An Apology to My Loved Ones

6 Posted by - April 17, 2013 - English, Languages, Words

DSC_0678Writing this at a time so still that the year seemed not to have begun at all. It’s amazing how much one is able to recollect simply by trying – whether musing the past or dreaming of possible futures, it has become clear to me that in hindsight, I’ve acted fallaciously. It’s regretful that I’ve gravitated so far across the globe without explication. From the very beginning, I could feel myself ebbing away from that which carries the deepest meanings, the hearts I’ve left behind, the numerous celebrations and anniversaries missed, the birth of children maturing into a new generation of dreamers, the tender moments missed by your side… Everything I grasp embodies a reflection of your spirits – a gleaming reminder of these deprivations. I can only live those moments through photographs long expired, tormented by ideas which refuse to settle into words. I’ve managed to accumulate a verbal holocaust, in hopes that you will take my words as a sign of contrition. I fragmented my obligations to you the day I pledged never to turn away, so it is with deep anguish that I write this apology.

To face this world blindly and transition from fear to love is far from an effortless undertaking. The system we are born into wasn’t designed to build great men; it only seeks to destroy men of greatness. While attempting to command my identity in a world that wants to define it for me, I would have been reduced to another numerical statistic if it was not for the impulse of my constant metamorphosis. The perversity of the misguided masses compelled me to journey the globe in search of truth – and what I found is truth itself, alongside its infinite questions. I’ve chosen this time to remain both socially disengaged and relentlessly camouflaged in order to surmount my immediate domain. As the conflicting forces of the multiverse accelerate simultaneously, I was destined to question my underlying assumptions concerning the verities of human experience and concede to my lack of an identifiable nationality. In respectful silence, I was confined to absolute solitude and emerged as the apex of an isosceles triangle, supported equally by twin pillars of flesh and blood. My reality is unphotographed as is the fabric of my existence. The lacerations of my suffering condensed into tears that poured into the eternal abyss of my soul; an affliction that only transgresses the afflicted during the deepest of slumbers.

It is through the exotic simplicities of my nomadic momentum that the message became clear: I had to love myself and my inheritances vehemently before I could ever proceed to loving others; the vertebrae of freedom lies between the lines of that message. By constantly redefining my purpose on earth, I was able to extricate a modicum of peace – an aggrandizement of my foundational raison d’etre. And thus, we amassed and cultivated untold solidarity across the seven continents; our efforts become undistinguishable and never unicellulate; we spoke with dignity and eloquence, and sought refuge in distant locales – far from the sanctioned violence and the wounds of mental slavery. We no longer settle for mediocrity in the pursuit of success, as defined by our numerous erstwhile monologues. We exist to learn from our infinite mistakes and teach thereafter, synthesizing our horizons so that the light of righteousness may reach the farthest corners of this earth.

Ergo, today I stand in front of you, ill-at-ease. Despite my multitudinous trials, the artificial distance that exists between you and I has become the hiatus of my life, the centerpiece of my existence. Like a bruise that refuses to fade, I’m at the mercy of your healing acceptance. My only solace, are the fond memories of your love for me… It is through life’s countless near-death encounters that I’ve become thoroughly cognizant of my fragility, my impermanence, and the finite quantity of time at my disposal. So here, in this very moment, I write my will and obfuscate no further to prosaically express my apologies. With the scant little that I possess, I bow at your feet and surrender my life efforts to you, to love, to family, to friends, to humanity, and to infinity. The essence of these words seeks to act as appeasement in these times of change. I remain loyal to my filial duties and bequeath my legacy onto future generations. Only then can we transcend beyond the world of superficialities. And only then, can we be taught how to dream and live King’s dream amongst peers and loved ones. Birth and death, the persistent dualism of my life is univocal and infinite; as it seeks to transmute vision into reality and take easing steps towards its final destiny. A destiny that longs for acceptance, so that you may trust me again like you trust gravity.

– Lyrical Zen
March 2007 / Seoul, South Korea.